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  “Everything is going to be okay,” I told myself. That was my wish for Jim and Molly but also for Cody and me.

  Chapter Thirty-Three

  No one else was waiting around in the hospital waiting room. I regretted not having a notebook, or my laptop, or even pages of my book to edit. The night had been a rush of events and activity and now immense nothingness while I waited.

  For the fifth time I rose and paced the room, trying to take interest in the artwork and framed notices that read, “No Smoking,” and "Please Keep Noise Levels Down” with busters over pictures of people talking and playing music. I looked around at the empty chairs and laughed.

  Normally, I had my phone to keep myself busy with its countless apps for easy distraction. The battery power was low and did not have a charger. In case Cody called or texted, I wanted to make sure I was available to respond.

  “Huh, why am I not surprised to find you here?”

  I looked up to see Valerie Cassidy in the doorway. “Hi. Any word on Molly and the babies?”

  “Not yet. I’m not surprised. Molly took a long time when she was born. What goes around, comes around, I guess.”

  Valerie pointed to two chairs in the corner, “Let’s chat. I also have some snacks, if you’re hungry.” She pulled out two small bags, “I’ve got pretzels or chips.”

  “Pretzels, please.”

  We sat in our chairs and slowly opened the bags. There was no hurry in our motions, both of us aware that we were in for a long night.

  What did Valerie want to talk about? Molly had mentioned that there was more to the story with her dad. Was her mom going to break the news?

  “I wanted to say again that I don’t really appreciate the fact that you have been digging around in the past. Gray has been dead a long time. It’s all ancient history.”

  “I understand. I’m sorry. I never wanted to hurt you or Molly or George with my questions.”

  Valerie waved at the words in the air as if to shoo them away from her and she chuckled, “No one ever means to hurt anyone, do they? You didn’t want to hurt your friends, I didn’t want to hurt my daughter, and Gray never meant to hurt any of us. But we do hurt each other nonetheless.”

  She dug in her bag for another chip, munched, and took her time before continuing, “I also wanted to say that it is Molly who wanted me to tell you the rest of the story. I was expecting a different setting, but I guess this old place will do.”

  She set the bag of chips next to her and wiped the crumbs from her hands, “You can say no and we will forget about it.”

  “I’d like to hear whatever you have to say.”

  “All right then. Most of it you already know. Gray liked to go out to the lake…not for camping or fishing…but to meet up with other men. I thought he might be gay when we were in high school—he seemed different than the other boys, but I did not really understand how. He played sports and was the star player on the football team. He was popular. The guys liked him and the girls wanted to date him. He just seemed …uninterested,” Valerie munched on another chip, eyes looking straight ahead and not to me, “…and I think the fact that I didn’t do anything to pressure him gave him some comfort. We were friends, but there was not the passion I saw in other relationships.”

  Valerie was silent and I did not want interrupt. I ate another pretzel and surveyed the amount remaining in the bag—about three-fourths left.

  “I was actually surprised when he kept in touch in college. Why there wasn’t a college girlfriend, I didn’t know, but bought into the belief that he loved me. Then he eventually came home and proposed.” She shook her head, “Nothing romantic or storybook—he just asked if I wanted to get married. So, we did.”

  What Valerie was describing seemed more like a business transaction than a romance, even a gentle one.

  “Did you not want a romantic proposal?”

  “Gray was a very matter-of-fact guy. Nothing was ever fancy, nor should you expect frills. I think that’s why he was a successful dentist. People trusted that what he said was the truth—no unnecessary procedures or treatments. Just the facts.” She crinkled the bag as she pulled another chip and ate slowly. “Yes, I would rather have had someone plan something special. But I loved him. He asked, and that was enough.”

  “You said you thought he might be gay in high school. When did you know?”

  Valerie laughed and rolled her eyes, “I’m not sure I have that answer. Did I suspect something when he never wanted to be intimate with me? Did I suspect when it seemed like he was looking at men in a crowd instead of the beautiful women? Did some meetings he had to attend and nights away seem odd? All of it pointed to Gray being gay and having a secret life. But did I ever know?” Her voice faltered as she spoke each question and she wiped away a tear at the end. “I don’t think I knew, but I certainly wasn’t surprised…does that make sense?”

  I nodded. I had heard about a high school classmate that was gay. She was not someone I had socialized with or known well. I never would have known or cared, but when I heard the gossip, it did just made sense.

  “I guess it was the autopsy report that left no doubt.” Valerie looked away and I suspected there were more tears that she did not want to show. “Gray was HIV positive. That’s why he killed himself.”

  I sat back in my seat as Valerie’s revelation about Gray hit me. He met up with men at the lake—and who knows where else—and had put himself at risk with strangers. Did someone lie to him about his status? Did the man even know he was positive and putting others at risk? Had the use of condoms or other safe practices been discussed?

  I thought about the times I had hooked up with someone I had only just met in a bar. How easy it could be to disregard safety precautions in the heat of passion, to trust someone to be honest with you because you were honest with them? Had anyone ever lied to me and potentially put my health and life at risk?

  In the years since Gray’s death so much had advanced in medicine. There was now medication to prevent contracting HIV. Those who were positive had many options for treatment and lived their lives with suppressed viral loads. HIV was not a death sentence anymore.

  But those same options and advancements were not there for Gray. Yes, there were medications to help suppress the virus, but they were not as effective. He would have had easy access to the latest information about how to treat the disease. Maybe he was worried that getting and taking medication would raise some suspicions. Would Valerie discover the pills? Would a pharmacist or technician spread a rumor? Would a bill arrive in the mail and lead to questions he could not answer?

  And was he putting his patients in danger? Would he have to disclose his status or risk the ramifications if someone found out?

  I remembered as a child hearing about concerns in the medical community about treating HIV positive patients for routine treatments that might expose the nurse or doctor to blood or other fluids. For medical professionals, there was the risk of transmitting to a patient just as easily. Protocols were in place to avoid those things now and there was tremendous awareness of the facts. But was that the world Gray was facing back then? I could not remember.

  I could believe, however, that Gray would be scared and not think there was a way to live with the disease. If he was alone and unable to tell anyone he was gay, the weight of his diagnosis would only compound that isolation.

  “I’m sorry.” I was, but I was not sure exactly why. Was it enough to sympathize that circumstances had backed Gray into a corner where he thought there was no other way out? Being sorry could only do so much—what gay men with HIV needed was love an acceptance.

  Valerie wiped her face again and stood up. “I’m going to check on Molly.”

  Chapter Thirty-Four

  The labor continued and Jim promised to call or text when he knew more. He was going to crash at a friend’s house and come back in the morning. The doctor did not think anything would happen tonight. Valerie Cassidy had not reappeared in the waiting room.


  I drove back up the Rim on the winding dark highway. I wanted to race home and end this night, but had to remind myself that I needed to keep within the speed limit. Elk came out of the woods at night and I had to keep keep an eye out in case one wandered out into the road. There were signs along the road that warned about it, but when I traveled during the day it was not a big issue. At night they were more active and also hard to see.

  The mystery of Gray’s death seemed solved now. There was no sense of ongoing questions or things left unsaid. Good, I thought. Now I can focus on making things right with Cody and finishing my book.

  When I got to my cabin I hurried inside, not even tempted to look down at George’s cabin for signs that Josh might be up. I stopped at the door. The lights of the living room were on. Cody was on the couch, asleep under a blanket, Beau asleep on the floor next to him.

  I exhaled and released stress and worry that I had been carrying about seeing Cody again. I opened the door and stepped in, trying not to startle him. Beau jumped up and approached, wagging his tail. I knelt down and petted him, but my eyes were still on Cody.

  I had expected to see him again at the restaurant or only after we had called or texted to set up a time to meet. We would be nervous and the encounter would be awkward. It might even be days before it happened. Instead, he was here, taking care of Beau, and probably had tried to wait up for me. It was late and keeping sleep at bay had been a struggle.

  He looked more handsome than I had ever seen him. I knew in that moment that I loved him more than anyone else in the world. He was more than just a summer fling.

  He must have felt my presence because he stirred, rolling to his back and sitting up. “What time is it?”

  “It’s late.” I stepped towards the couch and sat on the back edge to look down at him. “No babies yet. I came home to get some rest.”

  “I wasn’t sure if you would be home. I wanted to make sure Beau was all right.”

  “Thank you. He likes spending time with you.” I smiled at him as he continued to slowly wake up. “Almost as much as I do. I’m glad you’re here.”

  He smiled back, “Of course. I wanted to see you. I also wanted to apologize for earlier—for kissing Ethan.”

  “No need to apologize. Ethan and Josh seemed to have an agenda for the night. Ethan would seduce you and Josh would seduce me. I don’t think they really cared if it was something we wanted or not.” I stood up and came around the couch to sit next to him. He adjusted to a full sitting position to make room. “There’s something I need to tell you. Something you should have known.”

  “What is it?”

  “Before we met, when I first met Josh, we hooked up. I didn’t know he had a boyfriend at the time.”

  Cody took in my words, his forehead wrinkled with seriousness.

  “After we met and started seeing each other, we never hooked up.” I paused, nervous to reveal everything. “We did kiss one night after leaving the restaurant. I would be lying if I said I didn’t think about more happening with Josh…with the three of us even. But I didn’t want them to come to dinner to try to sleep with us. I’m sorry if I gave them that impression or that I put you in a situation like this.”

  He looked at me and laughed. “I don’t think you knew what their plan was. I think I also may have given them the wrong impression. There are things I should have told you as well.”

  The conversation started earlier, before Molly went into labor, could now take place.

  “Like I said before, I wanted to tell you down by the lake. Down where Gray Whitlock committed suicide. Down where guys roll up in their trucks and disappear into bushes. I know that place well. I’m also not a stranger to these cabins and some of the guests here.”

  “Well, I’ve never seen you around.” I hoped my joke would bring a smile to his face. If he had been around the cabins previous summers, hooking up with other guests, I had no idea. However, my circle stayed pretty tight when I was up here – writing, or hanging out with George, or having dinner at the restaurant. As much as possible, I tried to stay away from everyone else and not get distracted.

  “I’ve seen you. Passed by here many times and saw you enjoying your wine and reading.”

  How many times had we been close to one another and I had no idea?

  “Know that I’ve done a lot of growing up. A year ago, I cared little about my future or what I wanted in life. I slept with people for money and thought that was my only option. I can thank Molly and Jim for sitting me down and talking some sense into me.”

  I cupped his chin with my hand so he would look at me. “Thank you for telling me. But know that I don’t care about any of it. It doesn’t change how I feel about you.”

  His eyes were wet with tears and he trembled as he fought to keep them from falling.

  “And no one has the right to take your past and use that as a reason to take advantage of you. Josh and Ethan did not know or see the real you.”

  “Old habits die hard. When I was alone in the kitchen with Ethan, it felt like all of the times I met up with men. They say the right things, but you know they don’t actually mean them. It’s a means to an end. As much as I’ve tried to get away from that life, there’s a part of me that feels like that’s the way life is. That what you and I have isn’t actually real.”

  My heart ached as he spoke. Hooking up could be fun and had its positives, but I identified with the feeling of emptiness in the activity. Say the right things, touch the right places, and have the right combination of likes—that made for a successful hook up. Then it was over and on to the next encounter. One after another with no connection or realness involved, it did leave you empty. Cody’s experience was not too different than my own.

  “But I know this is real. When I saw you and realized what was happening, I knew I messed up. I knew there was a chance I would lose you if I didn’t find a way to make it right.”

  I leaned into him and kissed his cheek. “You haven’t messed up anything.” I kissed his nose. “You haven’t lost me.” I moved to kiss him on his lips, but he kissed me. His intensity pushed me back onto the couch cushions. He climbed on top of me and I shifted beneath him to lay outstretched on the couch.

  Our hands moved around each other’s bodies. I pulled up his t-shirt and grabbed his back. Feeling his skin and tasting him as we kissed melted away the worry that we had broken something beyond repair. There was still passion and love for each other. It was not one-sided but mutual. It sparked with electricity and jolted through our souls.

  He sat up and smiled, the confident smile he usually had. He was so damn sexy.

  I was growing hard and desperately wanted out of my clothes and to have him out of his. I wanted to feel all of him against me and inside me. He lifted his t-shirt over his head and tossed it aside. I leaned up to kiss his nipple and circle it with my tongue. My hands caressed his back and moved down to the waistband of his shorts, slipping inside and grabbing his firm ass.

  “Take these off.” He stood up and pushed them down. “Now sit on my face.”

  He turned around and mounted the couch again, facing the opposite direction. He straddled my body and moved his ass towards my face, knowing I wanted to rim him and taste his ass. My hands were on his cheeks again, this time spreading them apart as I grabbed and massaged.

  My tongue darted from my mouth and made contact with his puckered hole. He moaned with pleasure as I gyrated my tongue.

  Cody unzipped my jeans and pushed them and my underwear down towards my knees. He spat on the head of my cock and quickly began stroking in the same rhythm as my tongue action as I rimmed him. Our bodies moved together, pleasing each other and allowing the pleasure to overcome ourselves.

  I knew I would not last long, but was surprised that the climax swelled as soon as it did. It had only been minutes since we started, but I groaned and shot my load, feeling it sputter across my stomach. Cody slowed his stroke as my body convulsed.

  “I’m going to h
ave to train you to last longer.” He dismounted and stood next to the couch. “But I like the big load.” His fingers ran through a large spot of cum on my chest. He rubbed the fingers together and then stroked his own cock with the wetness. He repeated the action with another large spot. The he swiped a third spot and commanded, “Let me feel your ass.”

  I lifted my legs, drawing my knees towards my head, and tilted my pelvis. His fingers found my hole and he massaged my wetness into me, fingers pushing against the muscle to open up and accept him. His other hand sought more cum and then applied it to his cock. He knelt on the couch facing me, pressing his cock against my hole. My cum and its wetness the only lube.

  I breathed out to relax and allowed him inside me. Cum did not have the same slickness as lube, but it helped to get him started. I gasped as he went deep and then grinned with pleasure.

  He pressed down on me and kissed me as he entered me slowly again and again. I kissed him back and knew he was mine.

  Chapter Thirty-Five

  I was up before Cody and slipped out of the room as quietly as I could. I made coffee and checked email. The world inside and outside of the cabin was quiet. Then, a buzz from my cell phone.

  I smiled as I read the text message. The twins were born. Carter Gray and Calvin Dean, 5 lbs. 6 oz. and 5 lbs. 3 oz. respectfully. The first names were ones Molly always wanted for boys; the middle names were for their grandfathers.

  It made me wonder—if I had never learned that Gray Whitlock was Molly’s father, would I know now, connecting Carter Gray to his grandfather? Or would I have overlooked it in my joy for Jim and Molly?

  When Cody got up, I would see if he had time to drive down to Payson with me to see the babies and check in on Molly and Jim.